I'm Sorry That I Died Today

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I know it's a strange topic to send out on New Year's Eve. Aren't people still in the holiday spirit? Isn't New Year's supposed to be about hope, the future, and happiness?

Well, the answer to all that is yes—but then again, that is also somewhat of a naïve mindset.

What so many of us forget is that every single one of us is a heartbeat away from our last moment. And when we forget that, we forget to truly savor each moment. We forget to stay above the entrapments of human frailty—or at least be conscious of them. And we forget how very precious life is, even when it seems like we have nothing going for us.

My family received the worst kind of reminder of this on the evening after Christmas. Today, my sister is walking through the exquisite pain of the very unexpected death of her husband.

Anyone who has experienced the agony of losing someone they love knows this pain. But in time, even we get sucked back into the shallow end of life. We realize that as much as we'd like to live deeply, that is sometimes too difficult to do when trapped on a planet with billions of people.

The very quirks that make the human spirit so beautiful also make it vulnerable. So we walk through life focused on more: making more money, having more fun, buying more things. We allow ourselves to be manipulated into believing that politics matter more than family and friends. We learn to need things that lessen us, and we forget what matters most:

Love and time.

Even as I focused on allowing myself to truly enjoy family and friends this Christmas, I let myself take for granted that "next Christmas," we'd do it again.

The very next night, my family gathered outside my sister's house as the Medical Examiner's team arrived. We stood in shocked silence as my brother-in-law's body was carried out of their home.

Seeing my sister go through a pain I know all too well, knowing precisely how every nerve ending in her is screaming, and being helpless to relieve her pain is another kind of struggle.

I imagine, if my husband or her husband was able to send a message in language that we could all understand, it would be something like this. I imagine the person you miss would send it, too:

I didn't mean to die today.
I really thought I would
Have more time to do the things
We always dreamed we could.

I thought we'd grow old together,
Just like you did too.
I meant to fix that sink and pay that bill—
I'm sorry I left those on you.

I know you think I died alone,
That you somehow let me down.
But Babe, I need you to know
That's the furthest from the truth.

I felt you then like I always did.
I heard you whisper, "I love you."
Because the love we have is more than that—
It has no earthly bounds.

It's stronger than our weakest moments
And will forever be found
In the quiet moments when you feel alone
And when you are alone in the midst of noise.

I hope you find the love I left for you,
And I hope it brings you joy.

I know you believed your life
Was meant to be spent with me.
But it turns out I spent my life with you—
And that's how it was always meant to be.

You are strong enough.
You are blessed enough.
And you are always, always loved enough.

So take your time now,
And savor every drop
Of each and every moment.
Don't ever stop.

I didn't mean to die today,
But I've seen what happens next for you—
And I promise you'll find your way.—

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