You "F" Up YOUR Kids, and I'll "F" Up Mine...

Judged, alone, exhausted, scared, sad, desperate…. I was feeling all of those things one freezing cold and especially dreary winter day. It was one of those days when all my failures and all my guilt over everything my kids were going through caught up with me.

I knew people were shaking their heads at me, even though they could have shown up to help instead. So toss in some bitterness, too. I was definitely not short on that, that day.

My kids ranged in age from young teen to pre-teen. We were all in need of something to disrupt the blahs and help us laugh, if even for a moment.

I decided to take them to the movies. That seemed simple enough.

Except it wasn’t.

The selection of movies that day was either Disney cartoons or rated R movies. My kids were over Disney at that point. And one of those rated R movies was a comedy that didn’t appear to include anything worse than what they heard or saw on the bus each day. It was the only one they all agreed on.

So off we went.

Now, to be clear, some piece of me was already uncomfortable with it- I felt like my youngest, especially, was too young for so much of what he was exposed to. With three older brothers, his time watching Bob the Builder and other kid-friendly shows was already prematurely ended. I already felt bad about that.

And bitter.

But any guilt or doubt was overpowered by my kids’ smiles and happy chatter as we made our way into the theatre.

We stood in line for tickets, I told the staff member which movie we were going to, and that’s when it happened.

Two older women in front of me turned around, their scorn proudly displayed, as one commented to the other, “That’s the problem with kids today… their parents are such bad examples..”

The comment, scorn, and judgement served as the firing pin for my bullet packed with all those negative motions. Leaning in over the top of my kids’ heads, eyes locked on my judges, my voice low, even, and unmistakably menacing, I fired back. “Hey Lady - how ‘bout you go F up your kids and I’ll F up mine.”

I was a wounded animal, trying to go about my business, and it felt like the world kept poking at me. Those two women just happened to poke me when I was backed into a corner, protecting my babies.

They looked like they had been physically slapped across their petulant faces, their smirks replaced first with horror, then with a sense of smugness - I had, I suppose, proved their opinions of me.

Whatever.

My kids were oblivious to the exchange. I, however, felt remarkably better for finally not taking it anymore. Standing up for myself, for a change.

Yes there is a smidgen of shame for the crudeness of my reply. For not “being the better person,” and all that. But there is in fact a limit to my strength and ability to “be the better person.” I had already shown grace in the face of countless insensitive actions and comments, some intentional, some not.

I was in the midst of various levels of hell stemming from unhealed trauma and ongoing trauma coming from a relationship that was “unhealthy” to put it mildly. I was exhausted - physically, spiritually, and emotionally. And all I was trying to do in that moment was escape all of it with the four human beings I love more than anything in this life, and give them a reprieve as well.

Which brings me to the whole point of this story.

Compassion.

Before we judge, or comment, or shame, or act unkindly, consider compassion.

That person who didn’t hold the door for you might not even have been aware you were there, so lost was he in his own stress from the day’s events.

The woman who dared to not return her shopping cart may have been stopping for groceries on her way home for work, late already, with her kids home alone since school got out and with a band concert to rush to.

The person on the subway beside you, hair a mess, a shower apparently not being a recent event, taking up too much space, their eyes closed and earbuds in, may be trying desperately to snag just a few moments of inner peace in a chaotic and even traumatic life.

And the young mom with for young sons at the movie theatre may be enduring some of the most prolonged and excruciating battles she would never wish upon you.

They could be going through something you’ve been through, that broke you for a moment- or something that lies ahead for you.

Before the unkindness in your head is spoken through your lips, let a moment pass where you consider the intent with which you are poised to speak: will it enhance anyone’s life, or moment, or will it simply allow you to transfer some of your own unhappiness, anger, guilt, or frustration onto another human being?

Do you really need validation so much, that you are willing to risk hurting someone who is already hurt - who has done nothing to to you?

Are you really so weak that you can be so cruel?

If there is one thing I have learned from everything I have experienced, it is the power of compassion. Use it wisely. —